Old Wounds

I’ve been needing to blog or journal for quite some time now, and have not carved out the time to heal my soul with paper and pen. So, this morning, I remembered that I had written and posted several notes on my facebook from time to time, that were thought-provoking, meaningful, and, well, soul-cleansing if not soul-healing. I promise to start blogging more in earnest soon, but for now, I’m recycling an old note that today feels very, very new. Enjoy.

 (originally posted April 4, 2011)

Wounds are funny little things. People, for the most part, and especially when they are young, are incredibly resilient. We fall down, scrape our knee, maybe ‘water up’ a little, get a healing kiss from Mom the miracle worker, and we’re on our way, hardly recalling that we ever hurt at all. At first, for a while, our fear of falling doesn’t even slow us down, let alone stop us. Little by little, however, as we grow, we become more aware of pain, and seem to hang on to the memory of how that hurt felt. That ‘healing’ kiss seems to no longer be the cure-all, the panacea, it once was. Even worse, we start to find that scar tissue from those old wounds is a double-edged sword of sorts. You see, scar tissue grows back thicker than the skin around it. One of the many phenomenon that is the body’s capability of healing itself. Sure, thicker skin must be better, more protective for that old wound, but here’s the other edge of the sword- it hurts like hell to tear open that scar tissue.

Maybe that is what makes us more gun-shy as we grown older. The injuries hurt more, because it’s that old scar tissue being torn back open.

Today, as Emmy and I walked, completely disconnected from the world, which is a rare occurance for me, I contemplated this, mostly in reference to heartache. I’ve said before that I think getting your heart broken is God’s way of giving you more pieces to share with others. I do believe that. I also think that when you give part of your heart away, if that person gives it back, you have no choice but to mend yourself and go on. Therein lies the problem. Time goes by, and that old wound heals, and the scar tissue, twice as thick as before, guards that mended piece. It’s a whole lot harder, and hurts a whole lot more the second time around, trying to tear through that scar tissue. Just try convincing yourself you’re ready for a new relationship on the heels of a breakup with someone you truly loved. Or on the heels of the realization that you won’t ever be with the one you love. It’s not easy. It’s painful. And it’s damn hard convincing yourself that you want to go through that again.

 

So, at the end of the day, we’re left with this- it’s right to love, and it’s fair to let someone steal a piece of your heart. Be wary and vigilant though. Be cautious of who you allow into your heart. For your heart belongs to God. And, as a sweet friend told me today, He is a jealous God. He won’t stand for someone to be in your heart that is not there to seek Him. He will disallow them, though it may be painful. He prunes, even the trees that bear fruit, so that they may become more fruitful. He will prune out the unwanted, the unGodly from your heart. But oh, what glory awaits when you find, in perfect timing, the one who has God in his heart, even as he is seeking God in yours.